The best support for a friend with cancer? Presence, listening and space to vent
MICHEL MARTIN, HOST:
This year, more than 2 million Americans will hear the scary words, you have cancer. Let's say it's someone you know. What's the best thing to say or do - or not say? NPR's Yuki Noguchi brings us some advice from people who know.
YUKI NOGUCHI, BYLINE: When Ashley Levinson got breast cancer at 52, she didn't expect so many friends and family to then avoid her. Levinson, a single mom, wanted to hear from them.
ASHLEY LEVINSON: Saying, hey, are you OK? That validates that they understand that what you're going through is difficult and that even if they're not there every single day, that they're going to be there when you feel you need to turn to them at your weakest moment.
NOGUCHI: A year and a half later, Levinson is now cancer-free but says the pain of isolation remains.
LEVINSON: I felt like I was burdening other people, when I was just trying to hold myself together.
NOGUCHI: So, Levinson says, don't ghost people who get cancer. Broaching the topic can be hard, says Kara Keenan, who was 35 with a 4-year-old when breast cancer reordered her life and many of her relationships. A dozen years later, Keenan is now healthy and teaches professional courses for cancer coaches. She's also a spokesperson for the National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship, so she thinks a lot about how to support people. For starters, she says, don't compare.
KARA KEENAN: The No. 1 complaint is when other people, who are well-meaning - and, you know, they're sharing, oh, you know, I know what you're going through. My grandmother had cancer. And oh, by the way, she died.
NOGUCHI: Instead, she says, ask first whether someone wants to talk about it, then simply listen if they do. Allow them space to vent.
KEENAN: But be prepared to be there if they do want to talk about it.
NOGUCHI: Keenan says unwanted advice or, worse, rosy platitudes like, you'll beat this, are especially irritating.
KEENAN: It makes me feel like some of the darker stuff that I'm dealing with inside isn't OK.
NOGUCHI: She says it's better to just say, that sucks. And then there's the very common, let me know if I can do something. The intent is generous, Keenan says, but...
KEENAN: They are completely overwhelmed. The last thing that they need is to then come up with a list of ways that this wonderful person can help them.
NOGUCHI: Instead, be very specific. Like, I'm going to the store - could I pick up some groceries for you? Keenan says apps like Meal Train allow users to coordinate meal deliveries and specify dietary needs.
KEENAN: So if you really want to help, showing up in really specific practical ways and knowing what you're willing to do and just offering that, putting it out there - you're way more likely to get someone to take you up on that than if you just say, you know, let me know how I can help.
NOGUCHI: More people are surviving cancer because of better medicine. But Keenan says side effects and other challenges can persist long after the cancer clears.
KEENAN: Everybody celebrates. They ring a bell. Everybody's like, yes, you beat it. And then they go back to their normal lives, and that survivor is like, this isn't over for me. Right? Their whole life has changed, and they are going to continue to need support.
NOGUCHI: Keenan says her favorite shows of ongoing support include friends who get their screenings or advocate for cancer research.
KEENAN: That is so powerful to me, as the survivor, to see other people stepping up for their own health and stepping up for others.
NOGUCHI: And that, she says, feels like love.
Yuki Noguchi, NPR News.
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