Hi beautiful human, Adele here! I want to share a little about avoidant attachment style in relationships, especially when it interacts with anxious attachment (yup, like mine). It’s something that can make relationships complicated, but if we learn about our attachment styles, it’s also something we can work through to build a healthy, connected relationship.
What is Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships?
Avoidant attachment is a style where someone prefers to keep a little emotional distance. This attachment style often shows up as a strong need for independence and a discomfort with too much closeness or vulnerability. So, when things get emotionally intense, people with an avoidant attachment style may withdraw or shut down to protect themselves.
But avoidant attachment isn’t “cold” or “uncaring.” It’s actually a way of coping, often rooted in a person’s past. Maybe they grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t welcome, or they learned that sharing too much made them vulnerable. So, avoiding those intense emotions or moments feels safer.
Why Do Avoidant and Anxious Partners Attract Each Other?
This is a classic dynamic—avoidant and anxious partners attracting each other! It’s like each style brings something that the other doesn’t have, but both need. As someone with an anxious attachment style myself, I get it.
For me, anxious attachment means I have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment because of my childhood. I crave closeness and need frequent confirmation of my wife’s love to feel safe. I’m hyper-vigilant about her body language, tone, and any small changes that might mean trouble. This need for closeness is common with anxious attachment, and it’s not about being “needy” or “clingy”; it’s simply how we learned to feel secure.
On the other hand, avoidants are often more independent. My wife, for instance, tends to pull back when things get emotionally intense. She feels overwhelmed by too much closeness, which makes her retreat emotionally. This tension between my need for closeness and her need for space created a lot of friction in our relationship. When I’d bring up a problem, she’d feel so overwhelmed she couldn’t process her feelings, let alone put them into words. She just wanted to avoid conflict at all costs.
But here’s the good news: understanding this dynamic has allowed us to see our reactions as normal attachment responses instead of problems in our relationship. We’re learning that our responses are about our attachment histories, not our love for each other.
Avoidant Attachment Style in Adults: My Wife’s Story
My wife’s avoidant attachment style comes from her upbringing. Growing up, conflict was handled with silence, so she learned that sharing emotions or being vulnerable wasn’t safe. Silent treatment was the go-to strategy for “resolving” issues, which left her feeling emotionally shut down. To her, being vulnerable felt like a sign of weakness.
For a long time, when I’d bring up any issue, she’d shut down, feeling overwhelmed. Meanwhile, I’d panic and start “chasing” her around the house, trying to talk things out because my anxious attachment told me that every argument could mean the end of our relationship. But instead of drawing us closer, my intensity only pushed her further away.
I didn’t know that approaching her with an accusatory tone only made her withdraw more—it was like I was backing her into an emotional corner.
Once we identified this cycle and got to the root of our communication struggles, things changed. Disagreements look so different now: respectful, non-accusatory, and honest. We both take time to reflect and then come back to find a solution together. It took work to get here, but wow, was it worth it!
Navigating the Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic
So, how do we make this work when one partner wants closeness and the other needs space? Here are some things we’ve learned that have helped us build a more balanced relationship.
Recognize and Respect Triggers
First, it was essential for both of us to understand our triggers. I’m triggered when I feel ignored, and she’s triggered by emotional intensity. Recognizing this has allowed us to avoid falling into old patterns. Instead of chasing her when she needs space, I’ve learned to take a step back and remind myself that her need for space isn’t a rejection of me.
Set Boundaries and Cool-Off Periods
We’ve set boundaries around cooling-off periods during conflicts. Now, if things get too heated, we both agree to take a break. We come back to the conversation only when we’re both ready to listen and understand. This boundary has been a game-changer.
Self-Reflection and Self-Regulation
I’ve also had to learn self-regulation techniques to keep my anxiety in check. Taking deep breaths or even going for a quick walk helps me avoid overwhelming her with my need to talk things through immediately. This practice of self-regulation has helped me understand that my anxiety is mine—it’s not her fault, and it’s not a reflection of our relationship.
Practice Empathy for Each Other’s Needs
When I understood that my wife’s reaction wasn’t because of a lack of love but her own attachment style, I could start working on my healing. And with that, she learned to give me the reassurance I need. It has taken time, but this mutual empathy has brought us so much closer.
Phrases to Reassure an Avoidant Partner
If you’re with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, reassuring them without crowding them can be powerful. Here are a few things that might help:
- “I understand that you need space, and that’s okay.”
- “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk.”
- “Your feelings are valid, and I respect your need for independence.”
- “We can take this at your pace; there’s no rush.”
These phrases let them know they’re valued and safe without feeling pressured to open up before they’re ready.
Phrases to Reassure an Anxious Partner
For an anxious partner, reassurance is all about making them feel secure and valued. These phrases can help an anxious partner feel safe:
- “I care about you and want us to work through this together.”
- “I’m not going anywhere; I’m here for you.”
- “You’re important to me, and I want you to feel safe.”
- “I’m listening and want to understand what you’re feeling.”
These statements provide the security that an anxious partner needs, allowing them to relax and feel connected.
Building a Secure Attachment Together
Navigating attachment styles isn’t easy, but it is possible. Practicing empathy and understanding each other’s triggers has helped us move toward a more secure attachment. And while it’s a process, small wins—like how we handle disagreements now—are worth celebrating. With commitment and self-awareness, it’s absolutely possible to build a balanced, healthy, and connected relationship.
If you’re ready to take this work even further, I can’t recommend The Couples Communication Handbook enough. This best-selling guide has sold over 5,000 copies, helping thousands of couples understand their communication styles, resolve conflict in a healthy way, and build empathy for each other.
The Couples Communication Handbook will walk you through techniques to communicate effectively, navigate challenges, and strengthen your relationship. Grab your copy to learn more and start creating the connected, secure relationship you deserve. (Now also available on Amazon)
With love,
Adele
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